I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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