I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
