I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize