the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We had to coat check the pizza.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize