Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We smell like vodka and hangover
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
