Old men and throwing up are my life now.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
