hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
