took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
