she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
