Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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