what day is it and did you see me today?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
