Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
