I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm jealous of your bromance
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize