I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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