His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
we're making bets on your personal life
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
