U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
