He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
