Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just found puke in my bra..
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Less talking, more tequila
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
