Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I think I won the penis lottery.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
