I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
