I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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