I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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