My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize