so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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