My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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