The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
