I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
