Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
