i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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