my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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