I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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