My liver just broke up with me...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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