Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
