Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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