i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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