This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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