My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
