did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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