I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize