so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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