ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
