I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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