i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
