i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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