took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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