my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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