Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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