i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
