I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
