the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
