why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
