me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
