i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
