you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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