If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
