so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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