My hand turned me down
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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