Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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