Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize