So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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