Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Randomize
