This is the prime rib incident all over again
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
