Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
