I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
