I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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