i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
