weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
