he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
